Naruto: The Adventures of Satire
by Confused.Turtle
Summary: The Squad receives phones, shit goes down hill, hilarity ensues. (This is a living shit post of a fic and I'm not even sorry.)
1. Chapter 1

**Ayoooo, it's me, ya boy, skinny penis**

 **Ok so I'm re-uploading this super old chat fic for the fun of it and it's complete and utter satire. I'm honestly just waiting for someone to report it and have it taken down (bc chat fics aren't allowed on FF... ikr). In which I'll be re-uploading again until a bitch gets banned from this hellsite lmaoo**

 **Anyways catch me on my AO3 as Confused_Turtle, where this fic is also up, and won't be reported bc they don't like to restrict creators artistic platforms no matter how lazy they may be (that's right, I'm self-aware).**

 **So if anyone reads this, enjoy! This will solely be here for rioting purposes *finger guns* I'm out.**

* * *

 _Beautiful has added BillboardBrow, sasUKEuchiha, Ramen-baka, Nine_Nine, Beautiful, PornReader, Majestic_Hair, LazyAss123, Chip_muncher, ShyGirl, Dog-breath and Bugsy_

 _Beautiful has named the chat FIRE TOWN BABES_

 ** _FIRE TOWN BABES: HOME_**

 **BillboardBrow:** Wtf is this Ino

 **Beautiful:** I told u! Tsunade-sama wants us to get along more bc we're always fighting so she put me in charge of it! This is what I came up with

 **Ramen-baka:** That's a great idea Ino! But I think bonding over ramen would have been better!1!

 **Majestic_Hair:** Who came up with these names

 **Beautiful:** Me! Obviously!

 **sasUKEuchiha:** This is stupid. I'm leaving.

 **Beautiful:** calm down Mr. I-like-to-use-lots-of-punctuation

 **Beautiful:** anywaysss, u can't, you'll just keep getting these messages, I had Shikamaru's dad help me with setting this all up, u cant get out of itttt

 **Dog-breath:** CHANGE THE NAMES INO

 **Nine_Nine:** CAPS BRO

 **Beautiful:** CATCH ME OUSSIDE ICHIRAKU RAMEN BEFORE I CHANGE THESE NAMES DOG BREATH

 **Ramen-baka:** AYOOOO LOOK AT SASUKE-TEME'S NAME

 **Ramen-baka:** Ino your a gENIUS

 **BillboardBrow:** You're*, Naruto

 **Ramen-bak:** Yes I am

 **LazyAss123:** this is troublesome

 **Beautiful:** you cant sAY THAT EVEN WHEN ITS ON TEXT SHIKA

 **LazyAss123:** ….

 **Beautiful:** dont

 **LazyAss123:** troublesome

 **Beautiful:** I _will_ break you

 **ShyGirl:** Ino-san, maybe you should change some of the names, I can feel Sasuke-san's angry aura from the Uchiha district all the way to the Hyuga's…

 **PornReader:** I rather like my name.

 **PornReader:** It reflects who I am on the inside.

 **BillboardBrow:** I mean...

 **Dog-breath:** HAHAHAHA LOOK AT NEJIS NAME TO

 **BillboardBrow:** You're all illiterate fucks.

 **sasUKEuchiha:** Says the one with a forehead so large it can withstand a billboard.

 **BillboardBrow:** Relevance?

 **Ramen-baka:** BURN SAKURA-CHAN

 **BillboardBrow:** Aren't you the uke Sasuke? Shouldn't Naruto be doing all the talking?

 **Dog-breath:** DOUBLE BURN

 _Chip_mucher has left the conversation._

 **Dog-breath:** Wow Choji harsh

 _Bugsy has left the conversation_

 **Ramen-baka:** and another one bites the dust

 **Beautiful:** well.. they'll still be receiving the messages so that's unfortunate lmao

 **Ramen-baka:** WAIT WHAT ARE YOU SAYING SAKURA

 **Ramen-baka:** IM NOT GAY

 **Ramen-baka:** nhsdhlkjbjsruia sfjfg gjtrgk 0eri

 **BillboardBrow:** What…

 **Beautiful:** my gay senses are tingling

 **BillboardBrow:** Maybe you're just sensing yourself.

 **Beautiful:** touché

 _Ramen-baka has opened an AudioCall_

 _"You wouldn't."_ Naruto's voice rings out through everybody in the chats new phones.

 _"It's your fault for saying that, dobe."_ Sasuke's voice can be heard huskily in the background.

 _"No! Sasuke! You spilled ramen on my phone! –nngh S-sasuke. Argh, oh, oh fuck-"_

 _"Dobe you turned on an AudioCall…"_

 _"W-WHAT!"_

 _Ramen-baka has ended the AudioCall_

 **BillboardBrow: So** maybe Sasuke isn't the uke…

 **Dog-breath:** HOLY SHIT NARUTO AND SASUKE ARE GAY

 **Nine_Nine:** Knew it *Highfives Ino*

 **Beautiful:** FORK OVER THAT 500 YEN SAKURA *Highfives Tenten back* but also remember that we don't fetishize in this house, children

 **BillboardBrow:** …..damn

 **Beautiful:** Okay I'm signing out for the night, it's getting late, you guys can make your own chats whenever you want though!

 _Beautiful has signed off_

 _Nine_Nine has signed off_

 _BillboardBrow has signed off_

 _Majestic_Hair has signed off_

 _Dog-Breath has signed off_

 _ShyGirl has signed off_

 _PornReader has signed off_

 _LazyAss123 has signed off_

Sigh, I had faith in you Naruto, I had faith that you where the seme.

Damn you Naruto, damn you.

*Dramatic music plays in the background*


	2. Chapter 2

**Two parts in one day? An OccurrenceTM**

* * *

 _BillbordBrow has added Beautiful, ShyGirl and Nine_Nine, to a group chat._

 _BillboarBrow has named the chat HELP_

 ** _HELP: CAMP_**

 **BillboardBrow:** I have nothing to do and the boys are making unspeakable noises from their tent, HELP.

 **Beautiful:** hun, it's called the circle of life

 **Nine_Nine:** Ino, what's a baby gonna do, pop outta his ass?

 **BillboardBrow:** I'm sorry I'm not susceptible to humor when there's TWO GUYS FRICKLE FRACKLING NEXT TO MY TENT.

 **Beautiful:** Well maybe you should join.

 **BillboardBrow:** Autocorrect?

 **Beautiful:** What? No

 **BillboardBrow:** INO

 **Nine_Nine:** INO WTF

 **ShyGirl:** KAMI, INO

 **Beautiful:** WHAT

 **BillboardBrow:** THATS BASICALLY INCEST

 **BillboardBrow:** YOU EVEN GOT HINATA TO SAY KAMI-SAMA'S NAME IN VEIN

 **ShyGirl:** I resent that...

 **Nine_Nine:** Hinata gettin' feistyyyyyy

 **BillboardBrow:** OFF TOPIC PEOPLE.

 **Nine_Nine:** What was the topic exactly?

 **Beautiful:** we had a topic?

 **BillboardBrow:** THE FACT THAT INO JUST TOLD ME TO GO HAVE A THREESOME WITH THE TWO GUYS I CALL BROTHERS

 **Nine_Nine:** Ah yes, classic Ino.

 **Nine_Nine:** We should turn that into a saying

 **Nine_Nine:** Like every time somebody does something that Ino would totally do we say "What a classic Ino."

 **ShyGirl:** We'd probably say it to Ino a lot.

 **BillboardBrow:** No shit really?

 **Beautiful:** Woww Sak, kami, calm down

 **BillboardBrow:** Oh I'm sorry am I being mean? It's probably just the fact that TWO GUYS ARE DOING SOME HARDCORE FUCKING RIGHT NEXT TO MY TENT

 **Nine_Nine:** Well there's that.

 **Beautiful:** ...yeah that'll do 'er

 **BillboardBrow:** That's it, I'm done. Good bye people I call my friends, I hope you (INO) fall in a hole.

 **Beautiful:** Love you too!

 **Nine_Nine:** Nighty night, don't let the yaoi boys bite!

 **ShyGirl:** We're sorry...

 **Beautiful:** No we're not

 _BillboardBrow has left the conversation_

 _ShyGirl has left the conversation_

 _Beautiful has left the conversation_

 _Nine_Nine has left the conversation_

 _"Sasuke! Ang-aaah oh god, oh god! HARDER!"_

*BL yaoi song plays in the background*


	3. Chapter 3

**A third chapter? In one day? Unheard of. Who is she? We'll never know.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 _Somewhere hidden in Kumo_

"Oh for fucks sake we've had nothing to do since Madara went and fucking died! How the hell are we supposed to have fun!?" Hidan yells annoyingly as the others turn to glare at the little shit throwing a tantrum.

Kisame sighed, "We could always just steal some more ramen from the blond kid in Konoha." The majority of the members of Akatsuki snicker. "Fucking with him is hilarious and we're running low on food anyway since we don't have he who shall not be named to get our food."

"Holy fucking- Voldermort was getting our food for us?" Deidara screeches

"I heard those kids in Konoha use those new phone things a lot, we could fuck with them." Sasori suggests as he concentrates on getting the minuscule puppet in front of him to dance.

Itachi, Kisame, Deidara, Hidan and Kakazu stare at him.

"Itachi start being the smart shit you are and get us into one of their chat-rooms." Kisame says to his partner.

The elder Uchiha sighs in exasperation, when had this evil organization full of S-ranked criminals become a bunch of kindergateners?

Not that he was complaining, it just made his mission easier.

"Hn."

"That means yes in Uchiha." He translates with a snicker.

 ** _FIRE TOWN BABES: HOME_**

 **BillboardBrow:** Pig, wtf

 **Beautiful:** lighten up forehead it was a joke

 **BillboardBrow:** This purple shit won't come off!

 **Nine_Nine:** It was dye, sak…

 **Nine_Nine:** BUT DON'T WORRY I'LL AVENGE YOU

 **BillboardBrow:** Oh you've got to be kidding me…

 **ShyGirl:** It's not that bad…

 **BillboardBrow:** THE WHOLE LOWER HALF OF MY BODY IS PURPLE.

 **SasUKEuchiha:** You should have seen it coming, honestly.

 **SasUKEuchiha:** I thought you were supposedly smarter than me.

 **BillboardBrow:** I AM you uncultured swine.

 **Dog-Breath:** Woah she's whipping out the big words!

 **Dog-Breath:** #Sarcasm

 **BillboardBrow:** Fuck you Kiba

 **BillboardBrow:** And your stupid hashtags.

 **LazyAss123:** you do have to admit, It was a little funny

 **BillboardBrow:** I bet you're the one who set it up!

 **LazyAss123:** ...

 **LazyAss123:** do you have any evidence to back up those claims

 **Beautiful:** Off topic but what's up with all the pictures of cats on Kiba's Instagram?

 **Dog-breath:** WAT

 **Nine_Nine:** HAHA MUTHAFUCKA! REVENGE FOR SAK

 **Nine_Nine:** U were the one who suggested the idea for the prank right?

 **Dog-Breath:** … maybe

 **Nine_Nine:** Oh good bc that would have been real embarrassing

 **Dog-breath:** I cant believe youd do me like this

 _SHARKWEEK, IFuckBitches,PuPpEtEeR, Money, !Boom! and ? have joined the chat._

 **SHARKWEEK:** We've come to fuck shit up.

 **IFuckBitches:** FUCK YEAH WE ARE, call me girls my #'s 450-775-0987

 **PuPpEtEeR:** We are here to warn you.

 **Ramen-baka:** WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?

 **BillboardBrow:** Warn us of what…?

 **Beautiful:** Don't talk to them! What if they're akatsuki or something?

 **BillboardBrow:** I doubt that…

 **Beautiful:** But who else would take the name SHARKWEEK than that blue fish dude from akatsuki!

 **Money:** …

 **PuPpEtEeR:** … Once again we've come to warn you that we'll be watching you and your text conversations, we are always watching.

 **Nine_Nine:** Stalker much?

 **ShyGirl:** This is worse than that time Kiba tried to stalk Sak…

 **BillboardBrow:** I though we agreed to never speak of that again.

 **!Boom!:** We aren't stalkers!

 **!Boom!:** We're dangerous!

 **Nine_Nine:** You got enough exclamation points there, bud?

 **BillboardBrow:** Wait these names…

 **BillboardBrow:** Shika who do you think these people are…?

 **LazyAss123:** I think you know

 **Ramen-baka:** BUT I DON'T

 **Ramen-baka:** IM CONFUSED

 **Ramen-baka:** WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE TELL ME DAMMIT

 **Majestic_Hair:** It seems to be Akatsuki.

 **Majestic_Hair:** Fate has been unkind to us.

 **Nine_Nine:** Neji I swear to whatever kami that if you say one more thing about fate I'll cut off your 'Majestic Hair' while you sleep and scrape out your eyeballs while I'm at it

 **!Boom!:** You're scary…

 **Nine_Nine:** Hey thanks man, you know sometimes a girl just wants to be told she strikes fear in other's hearts ya feel?

 **Nine_Nine:** wait You'RE THE ENEMY DAMMIT DON'T COMPLIMENT ME

 **Dog-breath:** Hey a compliments a compliment

 **Nine_Nine:** Fuck you Kiba, what are you sayin? I don't get compliments? Is it because I'm scary?! IS IT! AM I TO OVERBEARING KIBA HUH?

 **SasUKEuchiha:** We are terrible ninjas…

 **SasUKEuchiha:** brother?

 **?:** Hn.

 **BillboardBrow:** Haaaah, Sasuke you just got Hn'ed over text, how does that even happen?

 **SasUKEuchiha:** You can go die in a hole of spiders, Haruno.

 **BillboardBrow:** How do people even know I'm afraid of spiders?! The only person who knew was INO!

 **BillboardBrow:** Wow

 **BillboardBrow:** Fuck you Ino.

 **Beautiful:** Sorry not sorry :/

 **?:** We'll be leaving now, but we'll be back.

 **!Boom!:** AND REMEMBER WE'RE ALWAYS WATCHING

 **Nine_Nine:** CAPS BRO

 **PuPpEtEeR:** We'll be back.

 **BillboardBrow:** Who are you? Terminator? We get it you'll be back.

 **Beautiful:** WAIT BEFORE YOU ALL GO JUST STAY FOR FIVE SECONDS!

 **?:** … We shall give you a minute.

 **Beautiful:** Thx!

 _Beautiful has changed SHARKWEEK to LittleFishy_

 _Beautiful has changed IfuckBitches to HiDoMe_

 _Beautiful has changed Money to Money-Grubber_

 _Beautiful has changed PuPpEtEeR to Sassyori_

 _Beautiful has changed ? to UKE-WEASLE_

 _Beautiful has changed !Boom! to MyTwinSister_

 **Beautiful:** Now Sasuke and Itachi can be the UKE brothers!

 **BillboardBrow:** This made me a lot happier than I thought it would.

 **sasUKEuchiha:** I thought we already established that I was not the Uke.

 **Beautiful:** A GIRL CAN DREAM

 **sasUKEuchiha:** …

 **Beautiful:** I like to support my friends is that a crime

 **Dog-Breath:** you got a weird way of showin it

 **LittleFishy:** You know what I'm not even gonna complain

 **LittleFishy:** Cuz I am little Fishy on the inside

 **LittleFishy:** Thank you Deidara's Twin Sister

 **Beautiful:** helping people is just what I do

 **Ramen-baka:** I'm starting to feel better about our names now

 **Nine_Nine:** I'll second that

 **ShyGirl:** Third.

 **BillboardBrow:** Fourth.

 **LazyAss123:** Fifth

 **Dog-breath:** I still don't like mine

 **sasUKEuchiha:** I'll second THAT.

 **Beautiful:** Fuck you guys my names are awesome


	4. Chapter 4

**At this rate I'm just throwing free shitpost content at y'all, what a time to be alive amirite**

* * *

 ** _FIRE TOWN BABES: HOME_**

 **BillboardBrow:** Ok what the FUCK Ino

 **Beautiful:** whatever you think I did I didn't do it I swear

 **BillboardBrow:** first the purple dye now THIS

 **LazyAss123:** Do I even want to know

 **BillboardBrow:** Oh nothing much its just the fact that my kaTANA HAS BEEN REPLACED BY A POOL NOODLE

 **Beautiful:** …

 **Beautiful:** oh yeah

 **Beautiful:** that

 **BillboardBrow:** DO YOU KNOW HOW EMBARRASSED I WAS WHEN I WHIPPED OUT MY SCROLL DURING MY MISSION AND INSTEAD OF A DEADLY KATANA CRAFTED BY ONE OF THE FINEST BLACKSMITHS IN THE FIRE COUNTRY INSIDE WAS A FOAM MUTHAFLUCKIN NOODLE

 **Beautiful:** I'm cr ying

 **Nine-nine:** omg that's why you came back with one of those black auras surrounding you that only appear in anime

 **Majestic_hair:** That's because we are in an anime.

 **Nine-nine:** wHAT

 **Beautiful:** ShHhHhHHhhhhH

 **Beautiful:** they aren't supposed to knowwww

 **Dog-breath:** we're becOMING SELF-AWARE

 **BillboardBrow:** HOLY SHIT KIBA YOU JUST USED SMART WORDS

 **Nine-nine:** wow he did abjajJGDBK HOLY SHIT IS THAT TITAN

 **sasUKEuchiha:** Wrong anime.

 **Beautiful:** that's also just Choji

 **Chip-muncher:** rude

 **Dog-breath:** yo is the blue man group in town?

 **BillboardBrow:** No

BillBoardBrow: That would be Kisame.

 **Dog-breath:** I didn't know Kisame was apart of the blue man group?

 **Majestic_hair:** I do believe Kisame is part of the akatsuki.

 **Dog-breath:** I think what majestic mc-hair over here is trying to say is; WHY THE FUCK IS A VERY DEADLY AKATSUKI MEMBER DOING DOWNTOWN KONOHA BUYING SOME MACKEREL I MEAN ISNT THAT CANNIBALISM?

 **Majestic_hair:** Yes.

 **Beautiful:** yes that's considered cannibalism or the other thing that's potentially very dangerous?

 **BillboardBrow:** I think we can all agree on both tbh.

 **Nine-nine:** so should we attack orrrrrrr

 **Nine-nine:** guys?

 **Nine-nine:** I guess that's a yes

 ** _FIRE TOWN BABES: HOKAGE'S TOWER_**

 **BillboardBrow:** Well, that was a disaster.

 **Dog-breath:** agreed

 **Nine-nine:** I cant believe Tsunade-sama actually allowed the entire Akatsuki to stay in Konoha and wont even tell us the reason!

 **LazyAss123:** its probably because Danzo is going to rage war on us any day now so shes bribed them with ramen to stay and fight with us.

 **Beautiful:** what

 **BillboardBrow:** They weren't supposed to know yet...

 **LazyAss123:** …well

 **LazyAss123:** I gotta go...

 **BilloardBrow:** I always expected it from Tsunade, but I'll still never understand how did she got the council to agree. They all have sticks up their asses not unlike someone we know –cough sasUKE cough-

 **sasUKEuchiha:** I thought we agreed that I didn't have a stick up my ass because something else has obviously been up there.

 **Beautiful:** wait I thought you were the seme

 **sasUKEuchiha:** We switch.

 **Beautiful:** THIS IS LIKE A DREAM COME TRUEEEEE

 **sasUKEuchiha:** …

 **BillboardBrow:** BACK ON TOPIC PEOPLE

 **Beautiful:** but I rather like this topic…

 **Nine-nine:** Ino god damn more serious problems on our hands such as a WAR

 **Beautiful:** Yall no fun smh

 **Dog-breath:** Sak wdym you saw it coming from Tsunade?

 **BillboardBrow:** We're talking about Tsunade, here.

 **BillboardBrow:** The woman who's drunk 25/8.

 **LazyAss123:** There's only 24 hours in a day

 **sasUKeuchiha:** And 7 days in a week.

 **BillboardBrow:** Precisely.


	5. Chapter 5

**I have nothing to do add, just take this living shitpost of a story, if u could even call it that**

 **Also, Attack on Titan references, who?**

* * *

 ** _FIRE TOWN BABES: HOME_**

 **Nine_Nine:** well that was awkward.

 **Beautiful:** I CANT BELIEVE THAT LITTLE TUNA SHIT STARTED TO FLIRT WITH SAKURA

 **BillboardBrow:** Wow

 **BillboardBrow:** rude, but go off I guess

 **ShyGirl:** I think Kisame-san is far from little, Ino…

 **Nine_Nine:** I'm kinkshaming

 **Beautiful:** THAT'S NOT THE POINT

 **Nine_Nine:** ?

 **Beautiful:** NONE OF THEM FLIRTED WITH ME

 **BillboardBrow:** …

 **Nine_Nine:** chill

 **BillboardBrow:** Considering they're s-ranked criminals and feared by every ninja in the world, they act like a bunch of 8 year olds… only with slightly more tainted thoughts…

 **Beautiful:** stiiiiill

 **Beautiful:** why not meeeee

 **BillboardBrow:** :/

 **Nine_Nine:** :/

 **ShyGirl:** :/

 **Beautiful:** not you too hina argghfjfgkdbg

 **Beautiful:** and the baaajjsbfarrrr

 **Nine_Nine:** ,,,,hun what

 **Beautiful:** I dropped my phone bc my ringer scared the shit out of me, one sec i gotta take a call

 **BillbardBrow:** Told you putting the sample of Naruto screaming like a little bitch wouldn't end well.

 **Beautiful:** ok so, Shika just called me and said that Tsunade's summoned us for our first mission including our phones

 **ShyGirl:** who else is going?

 **Beautiful:** Should be Shika, you, me, Sakura, Naruto, Sasuke, Tenten and Choji

 **BillboadBrow:** Meet you guys at the Hokages tower?

 **Beautiful:** yup, see ya bitch

 **Nine_Nine:** see you

 **ShyGirl:** I'll be there as well

 ** _MISSION CHAT_**

 **Beautiful:** GOD DAMMIT AGAIN

 **BillboardBrow:** Not my fault criminals like to flirt with me :)

 **Beautiful:** Bitch why I Outtta..

 **LazyAss123:** Sakura whats the target doing now?

 **BillboardBrow:** Telling me about how he's really popular and really strong…

 **BillboardBrow:** Even though im pretty sure I saw him cut himself with a kunai earlier by accident…

 **ShyGirl:** Naruto-kun just let out a really loud snort from that, Sakura-san

 **Beautiful:** Almost blowing our cover

 **Beautiful:** God stop snickering Naruto u Orange-loving fuck

 **BillboardBrow:** One sec he just said something about the guy he works for

 **LazyAss123:** Question him further on it

 **BillboardBrow:** Already on it.

 **Ramen-baka:** Sak, evil-drug-dude #2 just came out of the bathroom lookin pisseddd

 **Beautiful:** he's right you should get out of there quickly, Sak

 **Ramen-baka:** he's headed towards you!1

 **sasUKEuchiha:** They seem to be together from what we've gotten out of the bartender…

 **BillboardBrow:** …

 **BillboardBrow:** This info would have nice fiVE MINUTES AGO

 **BillboardBrow:** Shit he's yelling, get me the fuck outta here guys

 **LazyAss123:** this could be important, stay at least 2 more minutes…

 **LazyAss123:** ...what did he just yell ?

 **BillboardBrow:** That I was a conniving-bitch-slut-hag that was going to steal his Toto-kun away from him?

 **Nine_Nine:** no, before that

 **BillboardBrow:** Oh yeah, that Orochimaru-sama would be furious with them if they leaked any information by accident while drunk…

 **BillboardBrow:** I swear to god these two idiots are worse than Naruto.

 **Ramen-baka:** bruh…

 **LazyAss123:** ok Sakura, you can get out of there now.

 **BillboardBrow:** Ay-yay Capi

 _ **MISSION CHAT: CAMP**_

 **Beautiful:** Sakuraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 **BillboardBrow:** Bitch, it's your fault for setting up your tent next to Naruto and Sasuke's.

 **BillboardBrow:** _Despite_ my warnings btw.

 **Nine_Nine:** shes got a point there

 **ShyGirl:** I told you it was a bad idea Ino…

 **BillboardBrow:** When Hinata musters up enough confidence to tell you not to do something, you uhhh, _maybe_ don't do it?

 **BillboardBrow:** No offense, Hina.

 **ShyGirl:** No, that's fair...

 **Chip_muncher:** guys

 **Beautiful:** hey choji nice of you to participate ya antisocial chip-hoarder

 **Chip_muncher:** …

 **Chip_muncher:** I see a titan

 **Beautiful:** nah that just cho…

 **Nine_Nine:** yeahhhh, uhhh

 **LazyAss123:** we've got a problem

 **Ramen-baka:** TITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN

 **Beautiful:** shit

 **BillboardBrow:** Yeah, that's not Choji.

 _Ramen-baka has opened an AudioCall_

 _"RASENGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN."_

 _"GOD DAMMIT NARUTO."_

 _"EVERY FUCKING TIME."_

 _"SERIOUSLY?"_

 _"SUNOVA-"_

*Attack on Titan Titan theme plays in background*


	6. Chapter 6

_**FIRE TOWN BABES: HOME**_

 **Beautiful:** hey Akatsuki hasn't be fuckin around in our chat logs lately

 **Sassyori:** Sometimes we like to take a break, you know.

 **BillboardBrow:** Fckn jinxed it, Ino…

 **Beautiful:** can a bitch catch a break around here?

 **MyTwinSister:** Yeah, everyone always asks "Where's the Akatsuki, now?" and never "How's the Akatsuki, now?"

 **Nine_Nine:** Sorry, we didn't know s-ranked murderers had feelings

 **LittleFishy:** That's fair

 **Dog-breath:** I think the real question isn't how many crimes have you committed

 **Dog-breath:** but do you like your hot chocolate with milk or water

 **Beautiful:** 2018 IS THE YEAR WE START OPPRESSING PPL WHO LIKE THEIR HOT CHOCOLATE WITH WATER

 **sasUKEuchiha:** … yes

 **Beautiful:** EVEN THE EMOTIONALLY STUNTED MANCHILD AGREES WITH ME

 **BillboardBrow:** I CANT HELP IF I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT, INO

 **Beautiful:** UR ON THIN FCKN ICE U ALMOND MILK DRINKING WHORE

 **LazyAss123:**...I seem to have come in at an inopportune time

 **Beautiful:** listen here, u limp dick

 **HiDoME:** Can we keep her?

 **BillboardBrow:** Please do.

 **Beautiful:** betrayed by my own wife

 **?:** That would be illegal.

 **MyTwinSister:** Not like we're an illegal organization or anything

 **Beautiful:** Hey gay marriage is legal now

 **BillBboardBrow:** That's

 **BillboardBrow:** You know what it's a good thing you're pretty.

 **Raman-baka:** QUESTION

 **Nine_Nine:**?

 **Raman-baka:** WAS THE WHITE BOTTLE BY UR BATHTUB NOT SOAP, SAKURA?

 **BillboardBrow:** Naruto, honey, you didn't

 **BillboardBrow:** that was Nair

 **Ramen-baka:** CAN U PLEASE COME HEAL ME

 **BillboardBrow:** wheRE DID U PUT THE NAIR NARUTO

 **Ramen-baka:** HELP

 **sasUKEuchiha:** why is my boyfriend bathing at ur apartment

 **BillboardBrow:** He likes my products.

 **BillboardBrow:** He also like me better than you.

 **sasUKEuchiha:** We aren't have this argument again, Sakura.

 **Nine_Nine:** Ok wait, he goes to ur place every time he has to take a shower?

 **Ramen-baka:** and baths

 **Dog-breath:** …

 **Ramen-baka:** she has expensive bath bombs and lotions ok?

 **LittleFishy:** Oh which ones?

 **BillboardBrow:** I binge buy anything Lush or BBW every time we go to Kiri.

 **LittleFishy:**...

 **BillboardBrow:** Yes, you can come over, too.

 **LittleFishy:** :D

 **Ramen-baka:** SAKURA, PRESSING MATTERS HERE

 **BillboardBrow:** Alright, alright.

 **Nine_Nine:** how many of Sak's brain cells do you think have died since she's been dealing with Naruto and Sasuke?

 **sasUKEuchiha:** Bold of you to assume she had any to begin with.

 **Beautiful:** stop slandering my girlfriend's name u meme-loving fuck

 **sasUKEuchiha:** …

 **Beautiful:** thats right

 **Beautiful:** I know

 **Dog-breath:** is it wives or girlfriends Ino, pick one

 **Beautiful:** stop oppressing me, Kiba

 **Nine_Nine:** Can we come back to the meme-loving fuck thing?

 **sasUKEuchiha:** I have no idea what you're talking about.

 **Beautiful:** ah yes

 **Beautiful:** well as we all know, girls talk

 **Beautiful:** and although sak doesnt like betraying her dear teammate's trust

 **Beautiful:** drunk sak is a beautiful enigma of life

 **Nine_Nine:** On what night of bar hopping did she spill all of Sasuke's deepest darkest secrets exactly?

 **Beautiful:** remember that time sak specifically told us not to give her tequila

 **Nine_Nine:** oh right and then we gave her tequila

 **ShyGirl:** Half of a bottle, actually…

 **Nine_Nine:** yeah, I don't remember much of that night either ngl

 **Beautiful:** i remember everything...

 **Beautiful:** a blessing and a curse

 **Nine_Nine:** honestly probably more of a curse


End file.
